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Dan
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« : January 09, 2007, 01:58:02 AM »

hmmm, wrote this about just over a month after something happened and befor soniaaaaa

the name of the poem is  "up on a cloud" and there will be more to come, annnd sorry in advance for the bad ending which doesnt rhyme.

feedback is much appreciated
best to read it outloud
enjoy



Up on the cloud
They are so high . . .
Not knowing what can pass them by

My oh my
They don’t know why
Why everything has to eventually die

Hopes and dreams fade away
Away they go . . .
Oh so slow

They watch as the scars of our past
Forever live and will always last
From our mistakes we try to learn
But forever we crash and will always burn

Glancing at us they silently talk
While we swiftly move and slowly walk

In the shadows we silently hide
With the knife grasped by our side

Take one last breath . . .
We prepare for death

With one swift slice
The body dies

Away we go
To finally know
What lies beyond this silent Joe

But we awake again
At half past ten

To re-live the scars of our past
Hoping one day to die
eventually at last.

In AmericEar
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« #1 : January 13, 2007, 07:01:02 PM »

Wow thats really good!

Plus I dont blame you for the last verse, our teachers always tell us that its hard to rhyme!

Thats really good well done!

I cant rhyme for my life :P

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Dan
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« #2 : January 13, 2007, 08:48:58 PM »

thank youuuu

:D

thinksing about it the last verse did rhyme becasue its the 1st and 3rd line.
but comparing to the rest wheres its the lines rhyme with the previous its hd to notice the alst one.

but yeah tis a good one

thanks again :)

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