The Lord of the Rings DX

[Tellyn]

Well, I've been writing up ROTK in my own way, funnier version.  I thought I'd share the first scene with you lot!

Scene 1 – A Squirrel is coming…

SMEAGOL:  Hmm…  I’ll choose you.
WORM:  Dag nabbit.  ARGH!  (The worm is thrown into the water)
DEAGOL:  This is nice and relaxing.  Smeagol!  Look!  Look!  I’ve got a fish!
SMEAGOL:  Pull it in then, moron.
DEAGOL:  OK.  Ugh!  ARGH!  (He is pulled into the water by the fish)
SMEAGOL:  Deagol?
RING:  Sheen sheen!  Sparkle sparkle!
DEAGOL:  Gurgle!  (He takes the Ring and rises to the top of the water)
SMEAGOL:  I want that.
DEAGOL:  Why?
SMEAGOL:  Because it’s my birthday, and you forgot my present!
DEAGOL:  I told you, I was mobbed by squirrels!
SMEAGOL:  And what did the squirrels take?
DEAGOL:  A packet of peanuts.
SMEAGOL:  You were using those as fishing bait!
DEAGOL:  I was not!
FISH:  He was.  Ready salted, too!
SMEAGOL:  Ha!
DEAGOL:  Well would you have wanted them after the squirrels touched them?
SMEAGOL:  You said they took them!
DEAGOL:  Ah, but they can’t open a packet of peanuts without opposable thumbs, can they?  Eh?
SMEAGOL:  Well in that case, why didn’t you give me the peanuts?
DEAGOL:  Because the squirrels would have found out!
SMEAGOL:  So?
DEAGOL:  They made me pledge allegiance to their secret society!
SMEAGOL:  And what do you do in the secret society?
DEAGOL:  I could tell you, but then it wouldn’t be a secret.
SMEAGOL:  Didn’t you know I was a squirrel?
DEAGOL:  You are?!  Excellent!  Well we make various evil clone armies, taste cheese, review new movie releases, and stuff like that.
SMEAGOL:  I’m not a squirrel. 
DEAGOL:  Darn!
SMEAGOL:  So can I have the Ring?
DEAGOL:  Join the squirrels, and it’s a definite maybe.
SMEAGOL:  What are the benefits of applying?
DEAGOL:  Get a free packet of peanuts!
SMEAGOL:  That does it!  Strangle!
DEAGOL:  Down I go.
SMEAGOL:  What a nifty accessory!  Snatch!
GOLLUM:  It cursed us.  Murderer, the squirrels called us.  They turned down our application into the secret squirreling society due to strangulation and homicide of a former member, and then they cursed us again, and then drove us away.  We forgot some things; we ripped out our hair, gained multiple personality disorder, and forgot to feed our fishes!  My…  Preciousss…
SQUIRREL:  We will have vengeance!
GOLLUM:  Sure you will!

[EG]

Damn those squirrels!!!

hehehehheeee! very funny

[Hulo_uruk]

Aww! :8oLOL!That is very funny!

[Tellyn]

Thank you!

Scene 7 – Super-glued to a flaming bowling ball

PIPPIN:  Now for that bowling ball!
MERRY:  What are you doing, beer-boy?
PIPPIN:  Shut up.  (He grabs the Palantír)
MERRY:  Hey!
PIPPIN:  I only want to look at it.  After all, it is shiny.
MERRY:  Pippin!
SAURON:  Hello Clarice.
PIPPIN:  OH MY GOD!  I SUPERGLUED MY HANDS TO A FLAMING BOWLING BALL!
MERRY:  Gandalf!  Help him while I sit here and do nothing!
GANDALF:  I’m on it!
ARAGORN:  Oh lord that’s hot!
PIPPIN:  The tree, it’s burning!
(He drops the Palantir)
GANDALF:  Tell me what you saw, fool.
PIPPIN:  A tree, duh.  I don’t just shout out random comments like that.
MERRY:  Yes you do.
PIPPIN:  Shh!
GANDALF:  What did you tell Sauron?
PIPPIN:  How did you know I saw Sauron?
GANDALF:  Psychic wizarding powers, now tell me or I will smite you!
PIPPIN:  Well first I told him that I wasn’t Clarice…
GANDALF:  Then?
PIPPIN:  He said…  Ooh flash back moment!

Scene 7.5 – Party at Minas Tirith

PIPPIN:  Hmm, never seen this place before.
SAURON:  Welcome to Minas Tirith!
PIPPIN:  You’re that pointy helmeted guy that was smitten with a magic sword from the first movie that tried to destroy Middle-earth and rebuilt a fortress in Mordor and sent out Ringwraiths to kill us all and were resorted to taking the form of a big flaming eyeball that fries everything it comes across! 
SAURON:  Are you done?
PIPPIN:  Em…  Yeah.
SAURON:  Well I guess I can afford to tell you my plan Clarice.
PIPPIN:  I’m not Clarice.
SAURON:  Oh, my memory’s going after a few eras.  I meant Saruman.  You haven’t seen him recently have you?
PIPPIN:  Saruman?  I don’t think- oh yeah!  I know, he had a go at Theoden, tried to cook Gandalf, smacked Wormtongue and was eventually killed by Wormtongue.  Heh, he had a knife in his back and was pushed off Orthanc onto a giant spinny wheel!
SAURON:  Well, Wormtongue’ll do.
PIPPIN:  Oh yeah, he got owned by Legolas.  Never saw him die, but he had an arrow in his chest.
SAURON:  Memo to self:  kill all members of the Fellowship and every free race standing.  Make bigger army.
PIPPIN:  Come on what do you want?
SAURON:  Ah, my plan.  I plan to attack Gondor when they’re not ready, wipe out Osgiliath, and finish off Minas Tirith with the other pointy helmeted guy.
PIPPIN:  Thanks, I’ll be going now.
SAURON:  Not so fast!  What do you know of the Ringbearer?
PIPPIN:  Nuttin’, apart from the fact that he’s with some fat guy, being stalked by a sickening little thing called Gollum and that he’s probably on the borders of Mordor by now.

SCENE 8 – Got ya!

GANDALF:  YOU BLITHERING-
PIPPIN:  Got ya!

[Hulo_uruk]

Hey,that is briliant!

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